Things Aren't Always What They Seem - Jill Phillips

 I'm not even sure how to begin to explain the last few weeks. I'm not really sure I could if I tried. 

    I was smiling while I was on fire, no one else could see the flint

    Every breathe was shallow and hard, no relief from the pain

I want to be careful here - my weeks have been so so so so so much better than many - the reason my weeks have been hard is because of the emotional shrapnel from the explosions happening in other people's lives.

    Well if disorder comes before reorder comes

    I've been pushed to the brink in the border

    tell me that it's just around the corner

Cleaning (really cleaning... like digging down and gunking out and purging and reorganizing) creates a great huge mess of disorder before you find order. And that process feels like you're being pushed over the edge, and I know I get to a point where I wonder when I'll ever be done and just hope that order is just around the corner.

    Things aren't always what they seem

    There's such a risk in love

    To keep your heart open is no small thing

Relational disorder is so much worse. This little enneagram 9 struggles to handle the risk of disorder relationally. Love is a risk - a great risk. And once you've been hurt keeping your heart open is hard. Sure - you learn things along the way, but the process is painful, and it is difficult to leave yourself vulnerable enough to love again.

    Take them both with me, the serpent and dove

    Knowledge and innocence, the wisdom and love

    I come out stronger, I couldn't believe but

    things aren't always what they seem

I am not sure what God wants me to learn from the current season of pain. I am still sifting through the learning, deciding what to keep and what to burn. But one thing I do know - I am stronger today than I was this time last week, and this time the week before. Even in my broken places I find that seeking the truth has brought me closer to God's heart. Dare to drop your guard...

    So keep your heart open...

I used to move in places with ease, I was wide open then

My default was set to believe everyone was a friend

Must have been so easy to lie to someone so naïve

I'd replay your voice in my head

I remember a time you said you'd always be there.

I took for granted that you would always tell me the truth

I didn't want to find out the hard way

Things aren't always what they seem

There's such a risk in love

To keep your heart open is no small thing, no, oh

I was smiling while I was on fire, no one else could see the flint

Every breathe was shallow and hard, no relief from the pain

upside down and out of my mind, and the words could explain

something in me held on to this

I remembered a time you said you'd always be there

I wanted to know that you could still remember the truth

I had to find out again the hard way

Things aren't always what they seem

wisdom had come so hard

love won't mean what you think it means at the start, no

Well if disorder comes before reorder comes

I've been pushed to the brink in the border

tell me that it's just around the corner

Love won't mean what you think it means at the start

Things aren't always what they seem

there's such a risk in love

to keep your heart open is no small thing, no

Now I'm asking myself, what did I learn

What to take in and what to let burn

when I tried to fix it I took it to far

there's such a risk in dropping your guard

Take them both with me, the serpent and dove

Knowledge and innocence, the wisdom and love

I come out stronger, I couldn't believe but

things aren't always what they seem

So keep your heart open...