I'm not even sure how to begin to explain the last few weeks. I'm not really sure I could if I tried.
I was smiling while I was on fire, no one else could see the flint
Every breathe was shallow and hard, no relief from the pain
I want to be careful here - my weeks have been so so so so so much better than many - the reason my weeks have been hard is because of the emotional shrapnel from the explosions happening in other people's lives.
Well if disorder comes before reorder comes
I've been pushed to the brink in the border
tell me that it's just around the corner
Cleaning (really cleaning... like digging down and gunking out and purging and reorganizing) creates a great huge mess of disorder before you find order. And that process feels like you're being pushed over the edge, and I know I get to a point where I wonder when I'll ever be done and just hope that order is just around the corner.
Things aren't always what they seem
There's such a risk in love
To keep your heart open is no small thing
Relational disorder is so much worse. This little enneagram 9 struggles to handle the risk of disorder relationally. Love is a risk - a great risk. And once you've been hurt keeping your heart open is hard. Sure - you learn things along the way, but the process is painful, and it is difficult to leave yourself vulnerable enough to love again.
Take them both with me, the serpent and dove
Knowledge and innocence, the wisdom and love
I come out stronger, I couldn't believe but
things aren't always what they seem
I am not sure what God wants me to learn from the current season of pain. I am still sifting through the learning, deciding what to keep and what to burn. But one thing I do know - I am stronger today than I was this time last week, and this time the week before. Even in my broken places I find that seeking the truth has brought me closer to God's heart. Dare to drop your guard...
So keep your heart open...
I used to move in places with ease, I was wide open then
My default was set to believe everyone was a friend
Must have been so easy to lie to someone so naïve
I'd replay your voice in my head
I remember a time you said you'd always be there.
I took for granted that you would always tell me the truth
I didn't want to find out the hard way
Things aren't always what they seem
There's such a risk in love
To keep your heart open is no small thing, no, oh
I was smiling while I was on fire, no one else could see the flint
Every breathe was shallow and hard, no relief from the pain
upside down and out of my mind, and the words could explain
something in me held on to this
I remembered a time you said you'd always be there
I wanted to know that you could still remember the truth
I had to find out again the hard way
Things aren't always what they seem
wisdom had come so hard
love won't mean what you think it means at the start, no
Well if disorder comes before reorder comes
I've been pushed to the brink in the border
tell me that it's just around the corner
Love won't mean what you think it means at the start
I am a sympathetic crier - if you start crying while you are talking to me I will likely at least have tears well up in my eyes. I cry for other people. For other people's pain.
This is the aftermath
This is the free fall, how far down does it go?
This is the ripple effect
This is what they mean, the dark night of the soul
I do not cry for myself when I am in the dark night of my own soul. I'm really really bad at ugly crying when I am personally in pain. I remember a friend telling me I wasn't allowed to wipe away my tears because she had "worked really hard for those" and at the time I wanted to roll my eyes and run away. If I do cry for real, it is very very unlikely you will see it.
I've gotta reconcile that
You don't fast forward me through this
And I've gotta reconcile that
You want to know me when I'm like this
And I've gotta reconcile that
You didn't change the diagnosis
And I've gotta reconcile that
You've reconciled it all in Your flesh
God is not afraid of our pain. He doesn't want us to hide it from Him. Psalm 56 says "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Not only does He collect our tears, He never leaves us alone in our pain.
But You, Son of Man
Love incarnate
You don't see from far away
You come, sit with me
And grieve with me
And I see tears on Your face
Friend, God is the ultimate in sympathetic criers - He has tears on His face as He sits and grieves with you. He is not far away. Love incarnate... grieves with you with tears on His face.
This is where no word fits
This is the broken heart in my chest
This is the wave building
This is the crashing on the shore again
This is where time slows down
This is when the world not slowing down feels wrong
This is a grieving town
Waiting for someone to make sense of it all
But You, Son of Man
Love incarnate
You don't see from far away
You come, sit with me
And grieve with me
And I see tears on Your face
This is the aftermath
This is the free fall, how far down does it go?
This is the ripple effect
This is what they mean, the dark night of the soul
