Do you ever hate a song the first time you hear it but then push through and about a dozen listens into a song discover maybe you hated it for how spot on the song was?
O God, my God, I need You
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I'm standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness
I'm not huge on needing other people. I don't like the weakness. I don't like the vulnerability. But the other day I found myself talking to someone who was mentioning trying really hard not to be needy and telling them that trusting others with their needs is actually a gift you give someone else. Trusting people with your vulnerabilities is an important part of relationship with others. Allowing others to see your needs - to take care of you in your weak spots. It's how relationship is built.
I'm calling on the God of David
Who made a shepherd boy courageous
I may not face Goliath
But I've got my own giants
How awesome that we serve a God who knows our weak spots, and wants to step in. Who wants to care for us, perfectly, in our moments of weakness - where we need Him. Who has proven over and over again throughout history that he can and will take care of us, that He will meet us as we fight our own giants.
You heard Your children then
You hear Your children now
You are the same God
You are the same God
You answered prayers back then
And You will answer now
You are the same God
You are the same God
You are the same God. Amen and Amen. May I trust you with the things I need, thank you that you provide and answer prayers, that you hear me.
I never leave just as I came
I always leave better with You
You're faithful to satisfy
Come and fill me again
Come and fill me again
I'm calling on the God of Jacob
Whose love endures through generations
I know that You will keep Your covenant
I'm calling on the God of Moses
The one who opened up the ocean
I need You now to do the same thing for me
O God, my God, I need You
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I'm standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness
I'm calling on the God of Mary
Whose favor rests upon the lowly
I know with You all things are possible
I'm calling on the God of David
Who made a shepherd boy courageous
I may not face Goliath
But I've got my own giants
O God, my God, I need You
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now, yeah
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I'm standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness
O God, my God, I need You
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I'm standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness
How I need You Lord
Never changing, no
You heard Your children then
You hear Your children now
You are the same God
You are the same God
You answered prayers back then
And You will answer now
You are the same God
You are the same God
You were providing then
You are providing now
You are the same God (yes, You are the same)
You are the same God (You moved in power)
You moved in power then
God, move in power now
You are the same God
You are the same God
You were a healer then
You are a healer now
You are the same God
You are the same God
You were a savior then
You are a savior now
You are the same God
You are the same God
O God, my God, I need You (I need You Lord)
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I'm standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness
O God, my God, I need You
O God, my God, I need You now
How I need You now
O Rock, O Rock of ages
I'm standing on Your faithfulness
On Your faithfulness
Jesus, You're the same
Jesus, You're the same
(Forever faithful) forever
You're the same God
You're the same God
As you were back then, You'll be right now
You're the same God (You're the same God)
Faithful back then (You're the same God)
Faithful you'll be now (You're the same God)
You freed the captives then
You're freeing hearts right now
You are the same God
You are the same God
You touched the lepers then
I feel Your touch right now
You are the same God
You are the same God
As you've always been, You will always be
You never change, You never change, no
As you were back then
I know you'll always be faithful, faithful
I'm calling on the Holy Spirit
Almighty River, come and fill me again
That's our prayer (come and fill me again)
I'm not satisfied, no (come and fill me again)
We want more (come and fill me again)
Till I'm overflowing (come and fill me again)
We want more (come and fill me again)
I'm not satisfied, I want more of You (come and fill me again)
Oh-oh (come and fill me again)
Holy Spirit, come again (come and fill me again)
I want more, till I'm running over (come and fill me again)
Till I'm running over (come and fill me again)
Holy Spirit, come again (fill me again)
Won't you fill me again (come and fill me again)
Till I'm running over (come and fill me again)
Till I'm running over (come and fill me again)
I never leave just as I came
I always leave better with You
You're faithful to satisfy
Come and fill me again
Come and fill me again
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Chris Brown / Steven Furtick / Brandon Lake / Joseph Patrick Martin Barrett
I'm not even sure how to begin to explain the last few weeks. I'm not really sure I could if I tried.
I was smiling while I was on fire, no one else could see the flint
Every breathe was shallow and hard, no relief from the pain
I want to be careful here - my weeks have been so so so so so much better than many - the reason my weeks have been hard is because of the emotional shrapnel from the explosions happening in other people's lives.
Well if disorder comes before reorder comes
I've been pushed to the brink in the border
tell me that it's just around the corner
Cleaning (really cleaning... like digging down and gunking out and purging and reorganizing) creates a great huge mess of disorder before you find order. And that process feels like you're being pushed over the edge, and I know I get to a point where I wonder when I'll ever be done and just hope that order is just around the corner.
Things aren't always what they seem
There's such a risk in love
To keep your heart open is no small thing
Relational disorder is so much worse. This little enneagram 9 struggles to handle the risk of disorder relationally. Love is a risk - a great risk. And once you've been hurt keeping your heart open is hard. Sure - you learn things along the way, but the process is painful, and it is difficult to leave yourself vulnerable enough to love again.
Take them both with me, the serpent and dove
Knowledge and innocence, the wisdom and love
I come out stronger, I couldn't believe but
things aren't always what they seem
I am not sure what God wants me to learn from the current season of pain. I am still sifting through the learning, deciding what to keep and what to burn. But one thing I do know - I am stronger today than I was this time last week, and this time the week before. Even in my broken places I find that seeking the truth has brought me closer to God's heart. Dare to drop your guard...
So keep your heart open...
I used to move in places with ease, I was wide open then
My default was set to believe everyone was a friend
Must have been so easy to lie to someone so naïve
I'd replay your voice in my head
I remember a time you said you'd always be there.
I took for granted that you would always tell me the truth
I didn't want to find out the hard way
Things aren't always what they seem
There's such a risk in love
To keep your heart open is no small thing, no, oh
I was smiling while I was on fire, no one else could see the flint
Every breathe was shallow and hard, no relief from the pain
upside down and out of my mind, and the words could explain
something in me held on to this
I remembered a time you said you'd always be there
I wanted to know that you could still remember the truth
I had to find out again the hard way
Things aren't always what they seem
wisdom had come so hard
love won't mean what you think it means at the start, no
Well if disorder comes before reorder comes
I've been pushed to the brink in the border
tell me that it's just around the corner
Love won't mean what you think it means at the start
I am a sympathetic crier - if you start crying while you are talking to me I will likely at least have tears well up in my eyes. I cry for other people. For other people's pain.
This is the aftermath
This is the free fall, how far down does it go?
This is the ripple effect
This is what they mean, the dark night of the soul
I do not cry for myself when I am in the dark night of my own soul. I'm really really bad at ugly crying when I am personally in pain. I remember a friend telling me I wasn't allowed to wipe away my tears because she had "worked really hard for those" and at the time I wanted to roll my eyes and run away. If I do cry for real, it is very very unlikely you will see it.
I've gotta reconcile that
You don't fast forward me through this
And I've gotta reconcile that
You want to know me when I'm like this
And I've gotta reconcile that
You didn't change the diagnosis
And I've gotta reconcile that
You've reconciled it all in Your flesh
God is not afraid of our pain. He doesn't want us to hide it from Him. Psalm 56 says "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Not only does He collect our tears, He never leaves us alone in our pain.
But You, Son of Man
Love incarnate
You don't see from far away
You come, sit with me
And grieve with me
And I see tears on Your face
Friend, God is the ultimate in sympathetic criers - He has tears on His face as He sits and grieves with you. He is not far away. Love incarnate... grieves with you with tears on His face.
This is where no word fits
This is the broken heart in my chest
This is the wave building
This is the crashing on the shore again
This is where time slows down
This is when the world not slowing down feels wrong
This is a grieving town
Waiting for someone to make sense of it all
But You, Son of Man
Love incarnate
You don't see from far away
You come, sit with me
And grieve with me
And I see tears on Your face
This is the aftermath
This is the free fall, how far down does it go?
This is the ripple effect
This is what they mean, the dark night of the soul
A couple weeks ago we had a surprise April snowstorm. Heavy snow, wind, trees in early spring leaf. It wasn't good for branches and trees. There are branches and trees broken, tipped, and cut up on the sides of the roads and paths everywhere. The woods look like a tree graveyard.
My shoes were clean this morning.
Then You came along
And put me back together
And every desire
Is now satisfied
Here in Your love
Tree graveyards can be given new life. From the stump of a dead tree grows new shrubs, new baby trees. The old life giving way to the new.
My shoes were clean this morning.
Oh, there's nothing better than You
There's nothing better than You
Lord, there's nothing
Nothing is better than You
The paths are muddy. The ground is muddy. As I walk I see areas where the ground has clearly been muddy for a while. Long enough that newcomers have ventured off the path a little, and made a new slightly less slippery and dirty path.
My shoes were clean this morning.
I'm not afraid
To show You my weakness
My failures and flaws
Lord, You've seen 'em all
And You still call me friend
How often when I'm headed in a direction do I feel like I know the path I should be taking? How often do I wonder when the path doesn't go where I think it should go why God is taking me on this detour? When things get hard on that side road how often do I kick and scream and wonder why I feel like I'm walking through the weeds. The ground is slippery. The path is unclear. I scream "but God my shoes are getting muddy!!!" But I don't see the whole path. I wonder if the path God has called me onto is actually skirting the much deeper mud flowing in the path that I thought looked so clean and easy. My shoes might be getting muddy - but they're still on my feet, not sucked into the deep. Where is the grave turning into a garden? Where are bones rising up?
You turn graves into garden
You turn bones into armies
You turn seas into highways
You're the only one who can
You're the only one who can
My shoes were clean this morning... Where is God calling you to walk through the mud?
I searched the world
But it couldn't fill me
Man's empty praise
And treasures that fade
Are never enough
Then You came along
And put me back together
And every desire
Is now satisfied
Here in Your love (hey)
Oh, there's nothing better than You
There's nothing better than You
Lord, there's nothing
Nothing is better than You
I'm not afraid
To show You my weakness
My failures and flaws
Lord, You've seen 'em all
And You still call me friend
'Cause the God of the mountain
Is the God of the valley
There's not a place
Your mercy and grace
Won't find me again
Oh, there's nothing better than You
There's nothing better than You
Lord, there's nothing
Nothing is better than You
Oh, there's nothing better than You
There's nothing better than You
Lord, there's nothing
Nothing is better than You
You turn mourning to dancing
You give beauty for ashes
You turn shame into glory
You're the only one who can
You turn mourning to dancing
You give beauty for ashes
You turn shame into glory
You're the only one who can
You turn graves into garden
You turn bones into armies
You turn seas into highways
You're the only one who can
You're the only one who can
Oh, there's nothing better than You
There's nothing better than You
Lord, there's nothing
Nothing is better than You
Oh, there's nothing better than You
There's nothing better than You
Lord, there's nothing
Nothing is better than You
You turn graves into gardens
You turn bones into armies
You turn seas into highways
You're the only one who can
You turn graves into gardens
You turn bones into armies
You turn seas into highways
You're the only one who can
You're the only one who can
You're the only one who can
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Christopher Joel Brown / Steven Furtick / Michael Brandon Lake / Tiffany Joann Hammer
I went kicking, I went screaming, Thrown into the deep Filled with fear and not believing There'd be help for me
Grief... it's not something that most people run towards. Rather, as a culture we've made a big deal of ways to avoid and not deal with grief.
Seemed the world I knew was gone
Sorrow had become my home
I sort of feel like as a culture we only know how to get stuck in grief or how to avoid it. But not how to enter into it in a healthy way. How to walk with people. How to hold onto the good and the bad at the same time.
In the depths of my own darkness
I felt saving hands
People who would brave the water
Get me back to land
Now I'm only trying to be
The same thing that they were to me
I don't have any real desire to walk into the house of grief. It's a painful place. But friends - when we're there, we're there and what we need more than anything is someone to wade out into the water with us, to brave getting wet to help bring us back to dry land. We don't need someone to say "There's a reason for your loss," or "I know how much it costs" - we don't know, we can't know, and frankly we waste time trying to find reasons that only God can understand. The amazing thing about walking into the house of grief with someone is that it doesn't take any special skills - just the ability to sit and listen. To be with.
One thing I discovered
is that in this house of grieving
There's communion in the suffering
You are not alone
You are not alone. Hear that again - if you are finding yourself in the house of grief you are not alone. And when you aren't dwelling in the house of grief, what a gift you have that you can walk in, and sit with someone. Feel with them, hold them close. Show them that love has the final word.
I'm a terrible hiker. I tend to spend all of my time looking at my feet trying to make sure I don't fall, slip, trip. And legitimately the beauty of the hike is rarely on the ground.
I'm the strong one, I'm not nervous
I'm as tough as the crust of the earth is
I move mountains, I move churches
And I glow 'cause I know what my worth is
After work today I went for a "hike" - I didn't go far, Seaquest State Park is just up the road, and provides some beautiful trails in and around their campsites and yurts. In between the trees covered in moss there are paths that lead you in circles, in through around and over the base-ish area of Mt St Helen's. And I was struck with how much of life is like that: a path that you maybe don't quite know where it's leading. I'm pretty good with a map (maybe I'm not a complete loss as a hiker) but was struck by how "not to scale" the map posted on the trails is. Some parts that look short are long and some parts that look long are short. But then, how much of the path of life is like that: deceptive... A trial may feel deceptively long, a peaceful time may feel deceptively short. Uphill hiking for however long it is can feel like it's been your entire walk, like you'll never make it to the top.
I don't ask how hard the work is
Got a rough indestructible surface
Diamonds and platinum, I find 'em, I flatten 'em
I take what I'm handed, I break what's demanding
And then there are the puddles. Because I'm hiking in Western Washington in March I knew what I was in for - I actually didn't get rained on in the two hours I spent outside, which is nothing short of a miracle in and of itself. But I found evidence of this morning's rain, in the form of a small "creek" flowing down the path. My first reaction was "uhh... this is the walking path... what is the water doing here?" After a few moments my brain kicked in and reminded me that water will always flow down the path of least resistance, and of course the path is easier than flowing through the trees. While this made all kinds of possibly heretical connections in my brain, I do wonder this, and think maybe it is sound theology: when we ask God to flow through us like living water, are we prepared for the destruction that He may need to bring about as it creates a path of least resistance? There is definitely beauty in the flowing of the water... but what about the process that it took to make that walking path that became the creek bed.
Under the surface
I feel berserk as a tightrope walker in a three-ring circus
Under the surface
Was Hercules ever like "Yo, I don't wanna fight Cerberus"?
Under the surface
I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service
A flaw or a crack
The straw in the stack
That breaks the camel's back
What breaks the camel's back
I keep walking. A tree has fallen, blocking the path. My downward turned eyes catch the tree across the path, I adjust and step over it and the crisis of a possible tripping hazard is avoided (I'm remarkably not as muddy at this point as I expected, despite multiple times of steps slipping out from under me, I have stayed upright and on my feet). However, I think about what it takes for this tree to fall over. Note in the left of the above picture, you can see where the roots have been literally pulled up out of the ground. I realize that small inconveniences to me (a log I need to step over) have been violent events in the life of the forest around me. God says "look up" what do you see - take stock of those around you, not just the pressures you are facing. In the forest of life it is not just about you, but your relationship with everything around you.
Pressure like a grip, grip, grip and it won't let go, whoa
Pressure like a tick, tick, tick 'til it's ready to blow, whoa
Give it to your sister and never wonder
If the same pressure would've pulled you under
Who am I if I don't have what it takes?
No cracks, no breaks
No mistakes, no pressure
This picture is the underside of a tree that has fallen. It's not the same tree, because I wasn't feeling quite that off-trail adventurous today. But the scarring in the ground and to the tree is the same. Roots facing above ground are never a good sign.
Where are you facing pressure that just won't stop? Where is there violence crashing in around you, destruction? Where are you looking? This song does not end hopefully. It's not a worship song, it doesn't point back to Jesus. But the song is fitting for me today, because I have spent the last several months fighting with feeling like I should be able to shoulder all the pressure on my own.
Under the surface
I hide my nerves, and it worsens, I worry something is gonna hurt us
Under the surface
The ship doesn't swerve as it heard how big the iceberg is
Under the surface
I think about my purpose, can I somehow preserve this?
My purpose is not to preserve my own image. My purpose is to point people to Jesus. To look up from my path, to see the trees around me, the lives around me, and to say "nope - I can't do this on my own... I'm not strong enough." I'm terrible at letting others in under the surface. It is not my happy place. But if I keep that under the surface I live in continual worry that something is going to hurt me.
So. My goal this week is to find the right people that I can let glimpse under the surface, as I work to hand the pressure to God. Because I do not need to worry if HE can handle it. And, this is me admitting that I, personally, can not.
Praise God that He will meet me on that path, in the midst of the water and the trees, the violence of a past storm and the calm of today to remind me that He is there, that He is good, and that He will not falter under the pressure, even when I do.
I'm the strong one, I'm not nervous
I'm as tough as the crust of the earth is
I move mountains, I move churches
And I glow 'cause I know what my worth is
I don't ask how hard the work is
Got a rough indestructible surface
Diamonds and platinum, I find 'em, I flatten 'em
I take what I'm handed, I break what's demanding
But
Under the surface
I feel berserk as a tightrope walker in a three-ring circus
Under the surface
Was Hercules ever like "Yo, I don't wanna fight Cerberus"?
Under the surface
I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service
A flaw or a crack
The straw in the stack
That breaks the camel's back
What breaks the camel's back it's
Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that'll never stop, whoa
Pressure that'll tip, tip, tip 'till you just go pop, whoa
Give it to your sister, your sister's older
Give her all the heavy things we can't shoulder
Who am I if I can't run with the ball?
If I fall to
Pressure like a grip, grip, grip and it won't let go, whoa
Pressure like a tick, tick, tick 'til it's ready to blow, whoa
Give it to your sister, your sister's stronger
See if she can hang on a little longer
Who am I if I can't carry it all?
If I falter
Under the surface
I hide my nerves, and it worsens, I worry something is gonna hurt us
Under the surface
The ship doesn't swerve as it heard how big the iceberg is
Under the surface
I think about my purpose, can I somehow preserve this?
Line up the dominoes
A light wind blows
You try to stop it tumbling
But on and on it goes
But wait
If I could shake the crushing weight of expectations
Would that free some room up for joy
Or relaxation, or simple pleasure?
Instead we measure this growing pressure
Keeps growing, keep going
'Cause all we know is
Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that'll never stop, whoa
Pressure that'll tip, tip, tip 'til you just go pop, whoa-oh-oh
Give it to your sister, it doesn't hurt
And see if she can handle every family burden
Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks
No mistakes just
Pressure like a grip, grip, grip and it won't let go, whoa
Pressure like a tick, tick, tick 'til it's ready to blow, whoa
It's been a long time since I've written a blog. I've not made this a priority, and I can tell that my own mental health is suffering because of it. So here's to self care/soul care or whatever you want to call it... because for sure listening to new worship music and reflecting on it is good for me, and not something I've done a good job of doing. This feels like a fitting song for that.
When darkness deepens, the path unsure
The sun is hidden by the storms
The last few years journeying through the conflict and tension of covid have felt like this for me. A darkness surrounding, the sun hidden. What do you do when this happens? Where do you turn?
I look to heaven and cry to thee
Oh God, be here with me
So much of covid involves isolation. Isolation as a family when we were in lock down. Isolation from someone in the family when they have tested positive. Isolation from extended family due to not travelling, or not wanting to risk getting someone else sick. How do we combat that isolation? How do we know we are not alone. Oh God, be here with me.
In every breath, every joy and tear
Every passing hour, let me know You're near
In life, in death, for eternity
Oh God, be here with me
Today I make this my prayer - that in every breath, every joy and tear I would know He is near. I am not alone. Oh God, be here with me.
