I don't know how many times over the last 30 years that I have been on this path called following Christ this refrain has been my cry. "If you're the healer, why are my wounds still open?" But, what I do know is that it is more than I can count on my fingers...and my toes...together. Are you sure you want me, God? I have nothing to bring but doubt and anger. Is that what you want from me?
I gave You my heart
So, tell me, why is it broken?
If You're the healer
Why are my wounds still open?
What do You want from me?
Are You sure You want everything?
Even my honesty?
I think it is really easy to fall into the trap that God only wants us when we are "useful" to Him. That we should only ever talk to God in a positive, joyful and upbeat way. That he wants us to only bring him perfect submission, even when it is fake. Can I tell you, friends, that as a ministry leader/worship leader/pastor's wife this feels even more true? The line from Frozen "conceal don't feel" sometimes feels like it applies.
I'm sorry if this comes out wrong
I'm afraid I shouldn't talk with you this way
But I hope you hear my heart that hurts
Buried in the angry words I say
I told you leave but please don't go
I'm in so deep, and I don't know
What's goin' on
One of the lessons that I have had to learn (many times, the hard way) is that God actually wants our honesty. He'd rather fight with us than be given the silent treatment. And He doesn't roll His eyes at us when we come back with the same struggles in a different way. Or even in the same way. At this point in my life I have a few really good friends, who I know want me to be real. Who I know that when I share my hurts they won't leave me alone, even if I tell them to go away. I've learned that my ministry is actually stronger when I am open. When I am vulnerable. When I share with others the pain and hurt that I have been through. When I am open to struggles as I am walking through them.
And we have found a space, a church family, where that is allowed. Where people want to be real. Because only through being real and vulnerable do you create actual community. Secrets lose power when they are stated out loud. Real, true, enduring community is built through being real and vulnerable and serving God together. Even when it hurts... in singing "Hallelujah, I'm going through hell..." but continuing to sing.
And I gotta tell you - this social distancing thing is the pits. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the friends I call family. I miss the closeness. But in the last 48 hours I have found conversation with multiple people about the real stuff going on in their lives. I have found community in ways I had allowed myself to forget existed. I have found honesty. And vulnerability. And healing.
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, I'm goin' through hell
Hallelujah, hallelujah
I'm still singing
Keep singing friends. Reach out to someone. Be real and vulnerable. Allow yourself to cry out to Jesus in the midst of the hell. Know that God would rather fight with you than not talk.
If I told You I still trusted You
I'd honestly be lying through my teeth
But it's funny how it's always You
I'm talkin' to when I say I don't believe
I tell You leave, but You won't go
I'm in so deep, and I don't know
What's goin' on
I gave You my heart
So, tell me, why is it broken?
If You're the healer
Why are my wounds still open?
What do You want from me?
Are You sure You want everything?
Even my honesty?
I'm sorry if this comes out wrong
I'm afraid I shouldn't talk with you this way
But I hope you hear my heart that hurts
Buried in the angry words I say
I told you leave but please don't go
I'm in so deep, and I don't know
What's goin' on
I gave You my heart
So, tell me, why is it broken?
If You're the healer
Why are my wounds still open?
What do You want from me?
Are You sure You want everything?
Even my honesty?
Even my honesty?
Even my honesty?
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, I'm goin' through hell
Hallelujah, hallelujah
I'm still singing and that's is well
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, I'm goin' through hell
Hallelujah, hallelujah
I'm still singing
I know You've promised that You won't leave me broken
But right now I need to know You're here in this moment
Why won't You answer me? (Answer me)
What do You want from me?
When all I can bring You is my doubt and my anger
You'd still rather fight with me than let us be strangers
Is that what You want from me? (Want from me)
The way You get close to me
Are You sure You want all of me?
All of my agony?
All of my questioning?
Even my honesty?
Even my honesty
Even my honesty
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, I'm goin' through hell
Hallelujah, hallelujah
I'm still singing
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Jason Gray / Benji Cowart / Bryan Fowler
Honesty lyrics © Word Music Llc, Howiecowie Publishing
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