Honesty - Jason Gray

I don't know how many times over the last 30 years that I have been on this path called following Christ this refrain has been my cry. "If you're the healer, why are my wounds still open?" But, what I do know is that it is more than I can count on my fingers...and my toes...together. Are you sure you want me, God? I have nothing to bring but doubt and anger. Is that what you want from me?

I gave You my heart

So, tell me, why is it broken?

If You're the healer

Why are my wounds still open?

What do You want from me?

Are You sure You want everything?

Even my honesty?

I think it is really easy to fall into the trap that God only wants us when we are "useful" to Him. That we should only ever talk to God in a positive, joyful and upbeat way. That he wants us to only bring him perfect submission, even when it is fake. Can I tell you, friends, that as a ministry leader/worship leader/pastor's wife this feels even more true? The line from Frozen "conceal don't feel" sometimes feels like it applies. 

I'm sorry if this comes out wrong

I'm afraid I shouldn't talk with you this way

But I hope you hear my heart that hurts

Buried in the angry words I say

I told you leave but please don't go

I'm in so deep, and I don't know

What's goin' on

One of the lessons that I have had to learn (many times, the hard way) is that God actually wants our honesty. He'd rather fight with us than be given the silent treatment. And He doesn't roll His eyes at us when we come back with the same struggles in a different way. Or even in the same way. At this point in my life I have a few really good friends, who I know want me to be real. Who I know that when I share my hurts they won't leave me alone, even if I tell them to go away. I've learned that my ministry is actually stronger when I am open. When I am vulnerable. When I share with others the pain and hurt that I have been through. When I am open to struggles as I am walking through them.

And we have found a space, a church family, where that is allowed. Where people want to be real. Because only through being real and vulnerable do you create actual community. Secrets lose power when they are stated out loud. Real, true, enduring community is built through being real and vulnerable and serving God together. Even when it hurts... in singing "Hallelujah, I'm going through hell..." but continuing to sing.

And I gotta tell you - this social distancing thing is the pits. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the friends I call family. I miss the closeness. But in the last 48 hours I have found conversation with multiple people about the real stuff going on in their lives. I have found community in ways I had allowed myself to forget existed. I have found honesty. And vulnerability. And healing.

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah, I'm goin' through hell

Hallelujah, hallelujah

I'm still singing

Keep singing friends. Reach out to someone. Be real and vulnerable. Allow yourself to cry out to Jesus in the midst of the hell. Know that God would rather fight with you than not talk.

If I told You I still trusted You

I'd honestly be lying through my teeth

But it's funny how it's always You

I'm talkin' to when I say I don't believe

I tell You leave, but You won't go

I'm in so deep, and I don't know

What's goin' on

I gave You my heart

So, tell me, why is it broken?

If You're the healer

Why are my wounds still open?

What do You want from me?

Are You sure You want everything?

Even my honesty?

I'm sorry if this comes out wrong

I'm afraid I shouldn't talk with you this way

But I hope you hear my heart that hurts

Buried in the angry words I say

I told you leave but please don't go

I'm in so deep, and I don't know

What's goin' on

I gave You my heart

So, tell me, why is it broken?

If You're the healer

Why are my wounds still open?

What do You want from me?

Are You sure You want everything?

Even my honesty?

Even my honesty?

Even my honesty?

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah, I'm goin' through hell

Hallelujah, hallelujah

I'm still singing and that's is well

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah, I'm goin' through hell

Hallelujah, hallelujah

I'm still singing

I know You've promised that You won't leave me broken

But right now I need to know You're here in this moment

Why won't You answer me? (Answer me)

What do You want from me?

When all I can bring You is my doubt and my anger

You'd still rather fight with me than let us be strangers

Is that what You want from me? (Want from me)

The way You get close to me

Are You sure You want all of me?

All of my agony?

All of my questioning?

Even my honesty?

Even my honesty

Even my honesty

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah, I'm goin' through hell

Hallelujah, hallelujah

I'm still singing

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jason Gray / Benji Cowart / Bryan Fowler

Honesty lyrics © Word Music Llc, Howiecowie Publishing

Breathe - C3 Music

It's been a few weeks. If I'm honest, that's not a lack of thought. Each Wednesday that has come and gone I have thought "I should write a blog post today" - and then shuddered. Not because I have horrible things or painful things or even nothing to say, but because I have found myself overwhelmed by grief. Not the grief from losing a loved one, but rather a grief caused by the pain and hurt I am seeing around me. The division. And I haven't known how to appropriately address that. How to be honest and real with you, my readers, over something that I don't completely understand and certainly do not know how to solve.

I try really hard to not complain about things I'm not willing to change. Complaining about something when you don't have a better idea for how something could be handled, or you aren't willing to do the hard work to change and try something different is not fair. When I am willing to do something different to make something better, when I have ideas for good solutions to a problem, that's what I like to address.

And where we're at right now, I can't do that. I can't solve problems for my friend who currently is sicker than she's ever been in her life with Covid, who is watching her father suffer (far worse) with it as well. I can't make my friend who feels like all of her rights are being stripped away feel confident in her place, in her rights. I can't provide the smiles and hugs another friend needs right now. I can't take care of hurting and broken friends. I can't solve the fear of death because of her race, her children's race, that is ripping apart a friend, soothe her fears for her children. I can't negate the fear of a friend who is terrified for police officers lives. I can't ease the pain of the friend who feels like her love and pride for our country is causing her to be called a racist...

I get lost in the I can'ts.

And it is easy for me to forget the I can that Jesus brings. 

In this place You're welcome

Draw ever close to me

I'm longing for your presence

God my peace

Water in the desert

Fire in the night

Speak into these dry bones

I found myself today telling someone I just want Jesus to come now. To fix it all. He reminded me of a verse in second Peter: "The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent." (2 Peter 3:9) My impatience gives way to god's patience: His desire to see everyone united with Him. In reading on Peter says "Since everything around us is going to be destroyed like this, what holy and godly lives you should live, looking forward to the day of God and hurrying it along...and so, dear friends, while you are waiting for these things to happen, make every effort to be found living peaceful lives that are pure and blameless in his sight." (2 Peter 3:11-12a, 14) 

Holy Spirit breathe

Breathe new life in me

Come in awesome power

Awaken me

Burn like a fire in me

Give strength unto my feet

You lift my eyes to see Him

Jesus Christ my king

What are you doing, friend, to live a peaceful pure and blameless life, to spread God's love to those around you who need it so desperately. To hurry along the day of the Lord? The bring the new heaven and earth that we have been promised? Are we waiting patiently, expectantly, hurrying along that day? Or are we sitting, griping, stressing, worrying, trying to do things on our own, upset that God hasn't fixed it all yet?

Overtake me

Captivate me

Lead me

Come like a river, come like a flood, let us be overwhelmed baptized in your love.

Jesus, may my life reflect all that you are. May I be so full of peace, with a fire of your love burning bright within me, your strength in me, ever lifting my eyes to see You - the only true king.

Holy Spirit Breathe.

In this place You're welcome

Draw ever close to me

I'm longing for your presence

God my peace

Water in the desert

Fire in the night

Speak into these dry bones

Holy Spirit breathe

Breathe new life in me

Come in awesome power

Awaken me

Burn like a fire in me

Give strength unto my feet

You lift my eyes to see Him

Jesus Christ my king

The veil lifted from me

My eyes begin to see

The host of heavens armies

Stand with me

With you I won't be beaten

You lead my victories

You fill me with Your power

Holy Spirit breathe

Breathe new life in me

Come in awesome power

Awaken me

Burn like a fire in me

Give strength unto my feet

You lift my eyes to see Him

Jesus Christ my king

Come Like a river

Come like a flood

Let us be overwhelmed

Baptized in Your love

Life giving water

Come fill my soul

Overtake me

Captivate me

Lead Me

Come Like a river

Come like a flood

Let us be overwhelmed

Baptized in Your love

Life giving water

Come fill my soul

Overtake me

Captivate me

Lead Me

Holy Spirit breathe

Breathe new life in me

Come in awesome power

Awaken me

Burn like a fire in me

Give strength unto my feet

You lift my eyes to see Him

Jesus Christ my king

Holy Spirit breathe

Breathe new life in me

Come in awesome power

Awaken me

Burn like a fire in me

Give strength unto my feet

You lift my eyes to see Him

Jesus Christ my king

Holy Spirit Breathe

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Charlotte Exton

Every Table is an Altar - Jason Upton

Communion. Defined as the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level1. I've heard it broken up as "Come Union"... come be with someone. A union is a joining of two things together. We talk about the marriage union, the union of states. Unity. A uniting of things together for a common purpose, to create a single entity. 

Every table is an altar

Every breath is a gift from You

Every moment is a treasure

Every day is a kiss from You

In light of the context of communion - the coming together of the church to create unity with God, through the sacrifice of Jesus - what does it mean to view every table as an altar? That every breath, every moment, every day is a gift, a treasure, a kiss from God. Do we want that kind of vulnerability and intimacy with God? Do we seek that kind of unity with Him? 

Our World feels very separated right now. Unity seems so far from possible. Like something that we would grasp at but never quite grab. It is easy to get dragged into social media discussions that feel so far from people seeking unity. 

Every stranger has a story

Every story's being told by You

We're all children on a journey

Jesus, only You can lead us through

What if  we let Jesus tell our story? Tell other people's stories? What if we focused on our union with Jesus above all else. Viewed every table as an altar - a place to come before God and seek unity and intimacy with God. If we all did that, maybe then we could find true union with each other - through our unity in Christ.

Break the bread, pour the wine

Let our hearts, come alive

In Your presence, in Your presence

Let our fear, fall away

Let our faith, rise today

In Your presence, in Your presence

Jesus, Jesus

When we join in that intimacy with God, when we stand together, letting fear fall away - then we will be able to unite in communion with God and each other to truly worship Him.

We will shout Your name, King of glory

We will stand and sing, You are holy

We will pour out praise, You are worthy

Of our lives, now and forever

Let our hearts be awake, God. Let us hear and see and join together with you. Awaken me to your voice, your kiss, your gift.

Every table is an altar

Every breath is a gift from You

Every moment is a treasure

Every day is a kiss from You

Every table is an altar

Every breath is a gift from You

Every moment is a treasure

Every day is a kiss from You

So let our hearts

Be awake, be awake

Let our hearts

Be awake, be awake

Break the bread, pour the wine

Let our hearts, come alive

In Your presence, in Your presence

Let our fear, fall away

Let our faith, rise today

In Your presence, in Your presence

Jesus, Jesus

Every stranger has a story

Every story's being told by You

We're all children on a journey

Jesus, only You can lead us through

This is our prayer tonight…

So let our hearts

Be awake, be awake

Oh, Let our hearts

Be awake, be awake

Oh, break the bread, pour the wine

Let our hearts, come alive

In Your presence, in Your presence

Let our fear, fall away

Let our faith, rise today

In Your presence, in Your presence

Jesus, oh-oh-oh-ohh, ohhhh

Jesus, oh-oh-oh-ohh, ohhhh

Jesus, Jesus

We will shout Your name, King of glory

We will stand and sing, You are holy

We will pour out praise, You are worthy

Of our lives, now and forever

We will shout Your name, King of glory

We will stand and sing, You are holy

We will pour out praise, You are worthy

Of our lives, now and forever

We will shout Your name, King of glory

We will stand and sing, You are holy

We will pour out praise, You are worthy

Of our lives, now and forever

Let our hearts

Be awake, be awake

So let our hearts

Be awake, be awake

That's our prayer

Let our hearts

Be awake, be awake

Let our hearts

Be awake, be awake

Break the bread tonight…

Break the bread, pour the wine

Let our hearts, come alive

In Your presence, in Your presence

Let our fear, fall away

Let our faith, rise today

In Your presence, in Your presence

Oh Lord, we will shout Your name

We will shout Your name, King of glory

We will stand and sing, You are holy

We will pour out praise, You are worthy

Of our lives, now and forever

Of our lives, now and forever

Of our lives, now and forever

Break the bread, pour the wine

Let our hearts, come alive

In Your presence, in Your presence

Let our fear, fall away

Let our faith, rise today

In Your presence, in Your presence

Jesus, Jesus

Oh, let our fear fall away tonight

Let our fear be replaced with Your love tonight

Oh, let our fear fall away, fall away, fall away, in Your love

Oh, let our fear fall away, fall away, fall away, in Your love tonight

Let our fear fall away, fall away, fall away, in Your love tonight

Oh God

We break the bread, pour the wine

Let our hearts, come alive

In Your presence, in Your presence

So let our fear, fall away

Let our faith, rise today

In Your presence, in Your presence

So, break the bread, the wine

Oh, break the bread, pour the wine

Let our hearts, come alive

In Your presence, in Your presence

So let our fear, fall away

Let our faith, rise today

In Your presence, in Your presence

Jesus

Every stranger has a story

Every story's being told by You

We're all children on a journey

Jesus, only You can lead us through

Jesus, only You can lead us through

Jesus, only You can lead us through