El Roi - Wendy Droke

30 years. Today marks thirty years from one of the most defining moments in my life.

30 years seems like such a long time ago... and then there are days where it feels like yesterday. There are days where I vividly remember how I was feeling. The actions that lead to the scars that I still carry, emotionally and physically.

The years after that when I sought physical pain as a way to medicate the emotional pain I was feeling. The addiction that those choices led to - unable to stop hurting myself. I think physical self injury is really difficult for people to comprehend, unless they have struggled themselves. But I wonder how many of us have addictions to emotional self injury - but we call it "humility". The number of people I hear who say things about themselves that they would never in a million years dream of saying about someone else.

But here's the thing... thirty years later, I can look back on an event, and see the growth. I can see the changes, I can see that I am not who I was. I can see where God was watching, and loving, and gently nudging me.

A few months ago I was struck by the story of Hagar in Genesis. Sarah and Abraham are promised a baby, but they lose hope somewhere in the years and years of waiting, so they take matters into their own hands. Abraham takes Hagar as his wife, and she bears him a baby. But somewhere in there both Hagar and Sarah turn to pretty horrible treatment of each other. To the point where pregnant Hagar runs away. I wonder if in that horrible treatment they have both been destroying themselves... Sarah beating herself up for not being able to give Abraham a child, Hagar for being a part of this scheme.

While Hagar is away in the wilderness God appears to her. And Hagar uses the name "El Roi" to refer to God. She says "El Roi, you are the God who sees me".

What a reminder to us as we are in our own wilderness, of self hate, and self harm. That God, El Roi, sees us, knows us, and doesn't condemn us. He sees through the deception, He sees who we really are, and yet he still loves us. What a reminder.

 

Sin so black, that all I see
Is darkness in front, beside of me
Pain so deep it sears inside
Yet no one sees what I try to hide

El Roi
You see me
El Roi
Come find me

Broken pieces of a shattered soul
Human attempts to make it whole
Fear takes grip, I run away
Lost in thought, no words to pray

"Where have you come from,
And where are you going?"
A voice cries in the wilderness
I see you in your distress

I hear you
I see you
I know your deception
I feel you
I love you
I see my reflection